WELCOME TO NORNIA, NOW SIT DOWN AND SHADDAP!
by Silver Neko
Summary: Another story of Norns and their itty bitty brains. Theres some JTHM quotes in here too. Yay! Randomness!


WELCOME TO NORNIA, NOW SIT DOWN AND SHADDAP!  
By Silver Neko  
  
  
  
Once upon a time, there was a C2 Albia called Nornia. It was a fairly typical Albia. The Hand had customized itself so it was a girl hand, complete with pearl bracelet. It wasn't called "The Hand". Nope, it was referred to as Peggy Sue…. or else! There was only one type of Norn: the Malay Norn. All green were they, and the females had golden locks of hair. The males were just green. Tee hee! Now the thing about the Norns of Nornia was that they were pretty smart. Well smarter than those OTHER Norns. The Malay Norns of Albia were…well you'll see if ya read 'dis story. So sit down and shaddup!  
  
Down in the incubator room of the wonderful land of Nornia, lived Billy Bob the Norn. Billy Bob was currently married to Mary Beth the loud queen of the hicks, Norn. Billy Bob and Mary Sue had 3 kids: Bobby Bob, Bob Bobby and Bob Bob. Any way, one day Billy Bob was laying by the incubator, not doing much of anything, when Mary Beth came up on the lift. She was wearing a stained apron and held a batter covered wooden spoon in one hand. God knows who would make an Apron COB. Mary Beth took a look around her home. Half eaten food was all over the floor and furniture, old submarine parts were piled up in a corner and her kids were no where in site. And to top it off, her no good husband was asleep in a pile of his own filth!  
  
"Billy Bob! What you think you doing?" demanded Mary Beth (Remember, they talk like yokels!). Billy Bob yawned and stretched his arms. "I's just taking a nap. 'That a crime?" asked Billy Bob lazily. "Sure is when our house is filthier then a Grendles behind!" Mary Beth snapped as she pointed to a rotten Tomato on the floor. Billy Bob looked around, as if noticing the half eaten food for the first time ever. "Well get the Doozers to do it. That all them is good 'fur anyway" said Billy Bob. Mary Beth threw her hands up in the air. "That's what I've been trying to say! Where the Heck are them little critters?!" she cried. Billy Bob shrugged. Meanwhile above ground and over on the dock by the old dead tree….  
  
Bobby Bob, Bob Bobby and Bob Bob were standing at the edge of the dock. A basket of the family Doozers was by their feet. "You sure ma won't be sore 'bout this Bobby Bob?" Bob Bob asked his brother. Bobby Bob picked up a squirming Doozer and grinned. "Course not! This is 'fur scientific research! We is learning 'bout the world 'en stuff." Bobby Bob said. He leaned over the edge of the dock and dropped the Doozer into the light blue water. With a plunk, the Doozer disappeared under the surface. The three young Norns watched the spot where the Doozer had been dropped for a few moments. Bob Bobby sighed and shook his head. "Well I reckon you was right Bobby Bob! Doozers can't swim worth bea-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" suddenly with a horrible screech, the Doozer exploded from the sea and shot right into Bob Bobby's face. It wildly clawed his face with its little hands and jammed its sharp pointy nose into Bob Bobby's right eye. And all the while it cried, "REEEEEEEEEK! REEEEEEEEEEK! REEEEEEEEEEEEK! REEEEEEEEEEK! REEEEEEEEEEEEK!" very, very loudly.  
  
Bob Bobby screamed and flailed his arms, but never made any attempts to remove the Doozer from his face. His brothers just watched his pain with great fascination. Then with a cry of agony, Bob Bobby ran off the edge of the dock and into the deep blue sea. Bobby Bob and Bob Bob stood there for a moment, fully taking in what had just happened. "Ma's gunna be all angry fer a while now, right Bobby Bob?" Bob Bob asked his older brother as they stood side by side on the dock. "Not if we don't tell her 'bout this." Bobby Bob was quick to say, when suddenly Peggy Sue (the Hand to the rest of you simple minded people) rose outta the sea carrying a half drowned Bob Bobby. Peggy Sue dropped the wet rat looking Bob Bobby onto the dock and then scolded the young Nornlings. "You durn kids! Stay outta my yard! Ya just woke up my gold fishes of doom! Now get outta here before I use my Doom-Fist on you!" Peggy Sue ranted. As the young Norns turned and ran for home, Peggy spanked them each once in the behind. It hurt like nobodys business!   
  
Now while this little drama of family life was playing out up on the surface world of Nornia, a different kind of story was going on in the underground caverns of the Swamp, Volcano and Garden regions. The underground was considered the "Big city" of Nornia. A dark dank crowded place where a Norn could get almost anything, if he could pay for it. Young Green (Yes, his parents were original enough to name their 23'd son "Green" instead of their tenth one) had always dreamed of going to the city. Finally he was old enough to drink with out passing out. "You're a man now!" his mother said as she drank down twice the amount of alcohol her son had just drank. "Yes, now you can go do what ever you want! So get outta here, you moocher!" his father said while eating a plate of tasty cheesy nachos. So young Green took a tomato with himself and took a fancy cruise on the rubber yellow raft to the volcano island that was the closest entrance to the city.   
  
Green took the lift down to the Volcano floor where he got his first taste of city life. "Hot Norn eggs on a stick! Hot Norn eggs on a stick! Fresh from the womb! Egggh! Common, buy 'em!" a Grendle pushing a cart around yelled. "Crack pipes! Crack pipes 'fer sale! Just got 'em in from the most dangerous place a Norn could imagine! Worth every dead Norn I hired to go get 'em! These things are a real rush! Buy 'em!" cried a thin wide-eyed Norn sitting on a blanket with some pipes laid out in front of him. Green looked around and was wondering what to do first when a Grendle yanked him into a corner. "I know what you is looking fur kid, you looking fur a good time, right?" the Grendle asked Green slyly. "That's why I'm here!" Green agreed. "Well the looky over here!" the Grendle gestured over to a wall on the side of the Volcano. Leaning almost lazily against the wall, was a bunch of nasty looking female Norns, Ettins and Grendles. "Those are the best ho's in the city! Unlike the filthy demons that damn Rodger has…" the Grendle said darkly. "Gasp! I've heard about those ladies! Their the ladies who Kisspop for money!" Green cried in terror. "Damn strait!" the Grendle grunted. Green had run out of the Volcano by then….   
  
Green was wondering about the Swamp, checking out all the sights, when he bumped into a Norn in a black coat and dark glasses. "Eeeek! Sorry….. don't hurt me!" cried Green. "You poor misguided fool. Do you know what the Mertrix is?" the Norn asked (Now remember, their all Green Malay Norns, ALLA THEM!). "Nope" was Green's simple reply. "The Mertrix is every where! It is every thing! The Mertrix is the blanket pulled over our eyes to blind up from the truth." was the Norns not so simple reply. "What's the truth?" Green asked as he ate a hotdog with lots of ketchup. "The truth is that we are TOYS!" the Norn threw up his arms when he yelled toys. People on the street stopped and stared at him. The word "toys" echoed all the way to the air lock in the Volcano. "Oookaayyy…" Green said as he slowly backed away. "TOYS! Merely little burbling dolls programmed to punch our little heads and play our little games and touch our little privets! Just entertainment for beings whose power is beyond all Creature comprehension!" the Norn shook his fist as he said this. Green was long gone already. "Give him a quarter and maybe he'll go away." an Ettin said to her husband as they watched the Norn in black run in circles and yell about the Hand being a lie or something.   
  
Green was very tired now. He had been all over the swamp section of the city and his poor little Norn feet were all black from running through hot tar. He walked into a hotel built into a big tree in the Garden section of the city, even though it didn't look like a garden since the place was all icky and grimy and the plants were black and dying. If you touched them, you would get an icky rash. If you ate them, you would get an icky rash…on the inside of you stomach. Green went inside and got himself a room. He fell into his bed instantly and fell asleep. Now when Green sleeps, he snores. And when he snores, his mouth is wide open. The Creatures in the room above Green's were being loud and having a party. The whole hotel was vibrating from the music those durn guys were playing. The ceiling in Green's room had support beams. The support beams were home to the ROACHES. The vibrations caused roach eggs to fall from the beams and into Green's open snoring mouth. Tee hee. The next morning, Green woke up and went out for breakfast. He went to Denny Dan's café for some cereal. As he ate, baby roaches swarmed out of his mouth and all over his face. Norns screamed, plates smashed and Green ran around in terror. He ran out the door, across the sidewalk and into oncoming traffic.  
  
Meanwhile, on the bridge by the desert, 2 Norns walked side by side. A male and female "That was a boring lunch." Said the female to the male. "Tell me about it. But at least I got to have a little fun!" the male said with a grin. "That wasn't a very nice thing you did to the poor guy at the table next to us. You should of left him alone." The female said with her hands on her hips. The male laughed. "He was asking for it! He was so thin and scraggily! He was just asking to have me drop my lunch tray on him and then shove him on the ground." "But you didn't have to pour your soda on him afterward!" the female scolded. "Big deal, if I could of pushed him around a little more, I bet he would of started crying! Heheheheheh!" the male laughed cruelly. The female was about to say something not nice, when suddenly a shadow fell over the two of them. Before the Norns could turn around, "zzzzzzzzZZZZZZAAAAAAAPPP!" someone shoved something into the back of both of their necks and then they were zapped by waves of electricity. Then all was dark.  
  
Slowly the female opened her eyes. She was lying in a cage. It was the cage in the gene splicer room. Her boyfriend was in the other cage. The bars of the cage snapped and cracked with electricity, daring the Norns to try to escape. In front of the cages, sitting on an old wooden box, sat a tall thin Norn with matted fur. He grinned an evil grin like the Cheshire Cat when he saw the Norns awaken. (Remember, they are all Green Malay Norns!) "I was having such a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant which I love so, so much, when suddenly I met with a little…" the Norn narrowed his eyes evilly. "…. discomfort." The Norns in the cages just stared. "But now is the time to SMILE and be HAPPY, because we are going to have lots of fuuuuuuunnnnnnn…heh." The Norns grin grew larger. He wrapped his hands around a lever that said "THOUSAND VOLTS OF FUN!" written on it in red letters. "You're a real asshole, you know that?" the female Norn asked her boyfriend before the tall thin and sadistic Norn pulled the lever.   
  
Peggy Sue (the Hand) was in the light blue sea, taking care of her underwater gardens, when a splash was heard from above. Peggy Sue knew immediately that it was a Norn. It was one of the Bob brothers again. Bob Bob was sinking like a rock down to the sandy ocean floor. "Damn it! Stay outta my yard!" Peggy Sue yelled as she placed a spring toy under the drowning Norn and then set it off. Bob Bob shot like a rocket up out of the ocean and then landed god knows where. Peggy Sue was pleased and continued to tend to her Zander fish eggs. "I can't wait for you to hatch! If only it were fall already." Peggy Sue sighed. Suddenly she heard another splash. Much to her annoyance, Bob Bobby was sinking down to her egg patch. "Get offa my property!" Peggy roared and grabbed the wet Norn. She rose above the waves and threw the young Norn at the dock. Bob Bobby hit the dock, rolled a few times and the skidded to a stop. "I's gots splinters in my nose!" he cried in pain. Peggy once again sank down to her underwater land of doom and started to rearrange the clams and crabs. She wasn't surprised when she heard the next splash. "Bobby Bob! You is gunna eat ants if I ever catch you near my seaweed again!" the Hand yelled and flung Bobby Bob up on the dock, then for good measure she shot him with a punch gun. Tee hee!  
  
Back in the gene splicer room, the tall thin and sadistic Norn was still having fun with his "guests". The male Norn (lets call him....Dillon. Okay?) was currently shackled to a wall. The tall thin sadistic Norn came out of the shadows in front of Dillon. He was carrying a dirty jar that was so filthy that it was imposable to tell what was inside. "I thought that we should take a break. Here, I found a few of your relatives under my fridge. Have fun talking to them." the sadistic Norn said as he poured the continents of the jar onto Dillon's head. "ROACHES!" Dillon shrieked. The tall thin sadistic Norn (lets call him Sin shall we?) turned and headed for another corner of the room. Laying in a corner and in a strait jacket and legs tied together, lay the female Norn (lets call her Tess) . Her eyes shot open the moment Sin's shadow fell over her. "Please! let me go! oh god please just let me go! I promise I wont tell Peggy Sue!" she cried in terror. Sin just glared at her slyly. His lips curved into a cruel smile. "How lovely you are. So lovely in my strait jacket. Though the bloodstains do clash with your lips. No matter....you ARE beautiful." Sin's eyes narrowed. "It hurts me to look at you." he said in a voice that was like a whisper.   
  
Tears welled up in Tess's eyes. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! DILLON WAS THE ONE WHO HURT YOU, NOT ME! I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! OH GOD, OH GOD!" she cried, her tears streaming down her face like a waterfall. "SHUT UP!" Sin roared. He shoved an accusing finger into Tess's face. "YOU KNOW ME! YOU KNOW ME PRETTY DAMN WELL! DON'T YOU REMEMBER?!" Sin shrieked. He had brought his face close to Tess's., but since he was so very tall and Tess was on the floor, he had to lean over her quite a bit. "I was walking by the cheese dispenser that they just built by the Volcano, when I passed by that vile little cafe where you and a group of your squealing little friends were chatting. I passed by and you all LAUGHED AT ME! YESSS?! YESSS?! YOU REMEMBER?! HUH?! DO YA?!" spit flew from Sin's mouth and hit Tess in the face. Tess was too choked up with sobs to answer. "YOU MUST REALLY KNOW ME IF YOU CAN LAUGH AT ME! FUNNY THING IS, I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE! MAYBE YOU CAN LET ME IN ON WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS SO FUNNY? DO YOU REMEMBER? HUH?!" Sin stopped and panted for a moment. His fur was matted with sweat.   
  
"Please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me..." Tess kept saying as she trembled helplessly in the corner. "Your pain amuses me! Tee hee hee hee hee!" Sin turned from Tess and began to giggle evilly. "I don't wanna DIEEEEEEEE!" Tess began to cry uncontrollably. "SHUT UP!' Sin snapped as he whipped around to face his prisoner. In his hands was a hammer and a box of nails. Tess's eyes grew huge. "I didn't like all the noise that you made squirming around last night. I'm going to have to nail you into place so that I can get a goods night sleep." Sin said as he placed a nail over on of Tess's hands and carefully aimed the hammer...   
  
A young female Norn was wandering around the bridge by the tree with the calendar. She looked rather depressed. Peggy Sue was passing by, carrying a Zander fish egg dispenser, when she spotted the forlorn Norn. "What's wrong with you?" the Hand demanded. "I'm hungry. But I don't know how to eat!" the Norn said. "And your only 2 hours old. Big surprise." Peggy said sarcastically. "I'm so hungry. I think I'm going to die! Oh the pain! The pa-HEY! A bee! Tee hee! Lookit the bee!" the Norn giggled as it began to follow the bee. "Stupid Norns. This is why I like Zander fish better." The Hand said as she began to head for the sea. Suddenly she realized something. "Where's my Zander fish egg machine?!" Peggy roared in anger. All of Nornia trembled at the sound of her voice. Peggy Sue vowed to never rest until she found her egg machine. Meanwhile....  
  
An Ettin was in one of the bamboo huts that were built high over the swamp. He had just lugged a Zander fish egg dispenser all the way to his home from somewhere high above on the ground. He had grabbed it because it was shiny, but now he found it hideously boring. "I think I'll steal that French fry machine at Macstinkys." the Ettin said as he walked out of his hut and took the lift down to the city. The Ettin had no idea what horror he had caused by taking that fish egg dispenser....  
  
A female Norn was standing up on the highest platform over the volcano. A huge crowd of creatures were watching from far below. "I'm going to do it! I'm going to JUMP!" the Norn cried to the crowd below. "HOORAY!" the crowd cheered. "Really! I'll do it! I have no reason to live!" the Norn said. "DO IT ALREADY!" the crowd cried impenitently, hungry for some gore. "You can't talk me out of it!" the Norn cried. Suddenly Peggy Sue appeared. "GIVE ME MY FISH MACHINE!" the all powerful Hand cried. "Oh Peggy Sue! Please help me! I don't know what to do with my life and I was just about to jump from thi-" "No time for you!" the Hand interrupted and shoved the female Norn off the platform. "YEA!" the crowd cried in glee.  
  
In the library by the underground dock (you know, where you usually find frog Norns) a scientist type Norn was working of some paper with allot of numbers on it. "Oh my great giddy aunt! I've done it!" the scientist type Norn cried as he held up the paper with numbers on it. "Space time IS curved! I'll finally be able to go back in time and stop myself from Kisspoping with that hot alien Norn! She's hiding right now, soon she'll give birth to that Norn alien hybrid that will destroy all of Nornia with its horrible powers and then-" "FISH MACHINE!" Peggy Sue cried as she zipped into the room. "Oh, Peggy Sue! You grace me with your presence! I'm about to go on a-" "ALL SHALL PAY!" Peggy roared. She grabbed the scientist type Norn and dropped him into the Dark blue sea. "Nornia is doomed." the scientist type Norn thought as he sank to his watery grave....  
  
Meanwhile, the hot alien Norn was hiding in a soda machine. "Yes, now I will be able to fulfill the Hands orders from the world I was imported from. My child shall rain doom upon the doomed heads of-" suddenly a clicking sound was heard. "Oh for the love of...." the hot female Norn grabbed a soda can and tossed it down the slot for sodas. Outside the machine a Grendle was holding the soda. "Hey! I pushed the button for Norn egg yolk soda! I hate Ettin egg yolk soda!" the Grendle complained as he stared at the label on the can in his hand. Suddenly, the Hand showed up. "GWAAAAAAA! MY FISH EGG MACHINE! PAIN TO ALL!" Peggy cried. She picked up the soda machine and dropped it onto the surprised Grendle. The hot alien Norn inside was bumped her head on a pipe. "IF THE MACHINE ATE YOUR QUARTER THEN TO BAD! STOP BANGING ON THE MACHINE!" the Hot alien Norn yelled. Good thing the Hand was already gone by then or that would of been the end of the hot alien Norn. In the lair of Sin, the tale thin sadistic Norn....  
  
Sin stood in his home. He cast a glance around the room. His screaming prisoners stopped screaming and trembled. "Its getting rather crowded in here. I think I better toss out some of the junk in here." Sin said. Then he got his Cheshire cat grin. His eyes scanned the room, looking for the right Norn. "Lets see here, which one needs to go...." his eyes fell upon a Grendle who's hump had been sliced clear off with a steak knife. "We have a winner!" Sin cheered as he approached the trembling Grendle. "Remember Mr. slow and painful?" Sin asked the Grendle as he held up a steak knife. Suddenly Peggy Sue showed up. "SAVE US PEGGY SUE!" the creatures in Sin's lair cried. "FISH MACHINE!" Peggy roared. "This is your great savior? No wonder we creatures are so screwed!" Sin said with a slight grin. "GWAAAAA!" Peggy cried. She began to beat the Grendle with here bare......hand. "Ooooo!" Sin exclaimed and pulled a bag of popcorn out from behind his back. Once the Grendle was a flat wet and dead green pancake, Peggy Sue left to continue her search for her egg machine. Sin turned to his "pals" and said, "Now where were we?"  
  
A good hunk of Nornia was on fire. Norns were bleeding and yelling and running, running, running like a pack of constipated wiener dogs. The Hand was the cause of this (Tee hee hee hee!) terrible (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mmmm....Ha!) tragedy. Tee hee! I all giggly! Any way, Nornia was seemingly doomed. Doom is such a fun word. Well, Peggy Sue found her fish macine and raised a lot of Zander fish, but the Borland monster ate allot of them in the Dark blue sea, so Peggy began to train her goldfish of doom to destroy the monster. The Bob brothers had to be chained down to something solid at all times, lest they try to "swim" again. Billy Bob and his wife got a divorce and Billy Bob married this hot alien Norn who gave birth to a funky alien hybrid that took over Nornia with its spooky powers. But when he tried to take over the oceans, MAN did Peggy Sue ever inject cyanide in to his bloodstream! I swear, that hybrid was peeing and spitting cyanide like no ones business! Then he died....weeee! Green was released from the hospital, but he lost control of his wheelchair and sank to the bottom of the sea where he died a cold and lonely death. Hurray! Sin killed Dillon in a horrible nasty way and then cut off a lock of Tess's hair (and a bit of her scalp) and let her go. That's a first! Uhhhh, and the rest of them.....died. Weeeeeeee!  
  
THE END!   
  
  
  



End file.
